I probably can say with utmost certainty that everyone will hate me for writing this blog. I tell you guys, I will also hate myself, however I must write it!

I am a weeper, I will cry if an ant dies, or a car hits a dog or a stray cat! I once almost got myself killed as a bird was too low and almost hit my windscreen! You see, I do not take death easily.
Yesterday my cousin died, she was on a road trip to Medina with her family, a fast trailer hit the bus, and there was a pile up, 8 people died including my cousin, and 4 people in the next car and so on.  Apparently she had a feeling something “bad” was going to happen to her, and she even asked her close friends to read some good verses of Quraan, and was wondering who will look after her kids if she dies early!  I went to visit and gave my condolence, but before going there I was telling my mum that I don’t like how we deal with death, and I went on about how this is our short life, and our real life will be the one we will live in after death, were we will all be living in harmony, and so on.  And YES I do believe in life after death. Also I told her that I will not cry as that will make the people in the house cry even more! In my opinion, we should be celebrating the life of the person who died and discuss his or her achievements, not just cry because we will be missing them, we must try not to be selfish and remember that we are also going to be in a similar situation soon.
However as soon as I reached my cousin’s house, my tears came out by themselves and with no force! I didn’t have to squeeze my eyes, or put red pepper in them, or smell onions or many of the stuff they do in movies, I don’t and cannot act, I would do what my heart tells me to do in these circumstances, crying comes naturally.  
The family was devastated, the mum and sister were in a state, and all of us were in shock. Why did this happen? I was wondering if she has all her things in order, did she pay all her bills, did she write a well, did she arrange her cloths, check her emails? Tell her husband that she loves him? Cuddle the kids and kiss them? There are umpteen chores that one has to do prior to death I guess, but we are a procrastinating lot, and we try to delay death as much as possible thinking that tomorrow is another day and death has nothing to do with us.  That is why I personally think that we mustn’t sleep unless we tie all the knots, cross all the T’s and dot all the I’s. Can we though? 
Of course, while watching what was going on there,  I remembered when my two brothers died, when my dad died, and how we all felt.  I still remember the numbness in my brain, the emptiness in my heart and the lull ness that I felt by their non-existence! In the case of the first death of my immediate family, for years I will be thinking how did that happen, and that he was young, he was alone in a foreign land, and so on. Then the second death happened, and I was ok with that, since he was ill, but one day I visited him in the graveyard and I cried so much as I remembered how he used to be so clever in playing the guitar and how he used to sing any song that he hears even if it was in French (mimic it maybe but he used to do it) I don’t know if I was just missing his voice at that time, or wanted to talk to him! Or I was just temporarily depressed and needed a reason to cry.  But when my dad died, that was a disaster, I loved my dad, and never thought to see him go that fast, he was an extraordinary person, was an inspiration to all of us, and of course to many people as well (sometimes people used to stop me in shopping malls and ask me if I was Abdulrasool’s daughter, when I nod, they would tell me how he influenced their lived, and that would make my day.  But one day I remembered when I had gone to fill my turn when he was in hospital, how he had pulled out all the wires that he was attached to, and he had vomited but no one was there to help him (I vomit when I see vomit or see people vomiting by the way, that is another interesting quality that I have and cannot get rid of) so by the time I shouted and a nurse came in she didn’t know whom to help first, me or my dad. When I remembered that scene I laughed so much until my eyes were tearing so no one knew if I was crying or actually laughing. So funny!
I must tell you what I asked my kids to do when I die, as some may think it’s interesting.  I told them that they should have lots of flowers and every type of sweets, pastry, chocolates that there is on the face of earth in the room, and distribute it to the people who are coming for the condolence.  You see, I am on diet all my life, and feel deprived from these fatty stuff, so I want the people who will visit my family to be happy rather than sad. Chocolate provide joy, and fills you with happiness, I will still not eat a lot of it though, but if you feel like binging on this mysterious dark brown fatty food then stay tuned, as one day you will have lots of it if you visit my kids to condolence them about my death.  Of course I would want you to wish that I am happy where ever I am, limbo and not so limbo.