Dear Student, first let me thank you for contacting me and for sending the reference letter and the personal statement. I am sorry that it took a long time for me to reply to you. I was pondering upon personal statements of our students and found that none of the students actually write what it takes to make their acceptance to universities a sure thing.
Your personal statement are very specific, it should include what course you intend to study and why you have chosen this specific course, why you are right for the course, your accomplishments outside the classroom (extracurricular activities, etc..) and tie it together with how this will help you with your intended major if possible, any interests and skills. You could also get ideas of how to write online by searching “structure of personal statements”
This is in general, but in specific you need to explain your goal in life, and sorry your goal is not to study, your goal is what is going to be done with that study, what you are trying to accomplish in life, what you feel you will be, where those studies are going to take you. Are you going to be passionate about the courses or passionate about what you will do with those courses?
Also you must show that you had done something to this world, and that you are going to do more, you are going to help someone get out of his or her vicious circle, or you will improve on a medical field. You must show that your ambition is to be the next Einstein, or Thomas Addison, or Bill Gates, or Steve Jobs. You must show your admiration on something in life, or your dissatisfaction with the status quo and your hope in creating a better life for humanity.
Your studies must help you achieve, and the environment that you will study in must be such that it will push you beyond your boundaries.
Finally and most importantly, you must have an Idol, which can be a family member or anyone that inspired you to do what you are setup to do.
After saying all of this, please re-write your personal statement and try to include some or all of the above points